I know a guy.

c. and I are both rather busy doing non-bloggy things this morning/afternoon so instead of writing the fabulous intro right now, I’m going to post a little “segment” entitled “Sido Knows”.

You see, as Sisters (formerly) Housley attempted to be all newsie last week, we both came to the conclusion that news people are a different animal…a well manicured, well spoken, though oftentimes over-enunciated animal.  Who are these people behind the coiffed hair and the glowy white teeth? Well, I know one (insert Will Ferrell sound byte here)…and we decided to get to the bottom of it.

So without further ado, I present to you….Sido the Sports Guy.

1.  You’re in the news biz, yes? Can you please explain what you do?

sports reporter/anchor – I create and then tear down heroes for young children, and your husband.

2.  How many news anchors/weather people/etc. to you have to deal with on a regular basis?

I work with any one of 3 weather anchors and 5-6 different news anchors

3.  Do you have to practice small talk with these people? Do you drink with them?  Do you even like them?

No practice – just natural artificial charm and wit.  Luckily, I like everyone I work with in Seattle.  That said, I don’t drink with       them very often – most have kids – makes it difficult.  We have a dog and a cat – a bit different

4.  Most embarrassing moment on the job to date?

In explaining that Ichiro was five hits shy of 200 for the season, it came out as “five shits high”

5.  Do you have a catch phrase

Not sure if this counts, but when calling for a final score during highlights I often blurt out “scoreboard me

* Oh, that definitely counts.  And I’m stealing it.

6.  Can you and your on air coworkers do whatever you want with your hair even if it’s stupid or poofy? or are         their regulations?

The news director keeps a close eye on hair – wants males to avoid “helmet hair” – a look I crave.

7.  Is there a fashion consultant? and how much is your wardrobe allowance? what about makeup (for the ladies)?

There are consultants who weigh in from time to time -never had to deal with them – I mean, I know how to put shit together,       right?   Some anchors have a clothing allowance in their contracts, but it is becoming more rare.

*  Tell me about it, at my job, we can’t even get a good Bic anymore for free.

8.  how do you fake it if you hate your co-anchor w/ a burning passion

I am a skilled actor.  But I haven’t had to put those skills to use in years.  Watch the opening scene of Groundhog Day.

*  Our blog is constantly tied to this movie.  I like it.  a lot.

9.  do you get free popcorn at all those games you attend?

Popcorn is freely available at most games.  Full meals for free at most games as well.

10. Do you get celebrity treatment when you’re out and about?

Pretty rare for me – more frequent for Monique.

*  Monique is Sido’s hottt girlfriend.  She’s also an anchor at the rivaling network.  SCANDALOUS!

11.  Do you know how to harmonize the song “Afternoon Delight”?

Negative.

*  This made me a little sad, so I decided to watch the clip so I’d be happy again.  However, the crappy quality made me sad again.  This morning has been an emotional rollercoaster. I should go back to bed.

12.  Do you all make fun of the poor sap who has to stand out in shitty weather and report that everyone should “stay inside”?

Every damn time.  And you should see how they freak up here when it snows – high comedy.

13.  Do you heart Casey and Dan as much as c. and I? If not, what other fake sportsguys are your favorite and why aren’t they Casey and Dan?  Also, do you think Josh Charles is cute?

Never really watched Sports Night.  Used to be a fan of Kilborn.

14.  Do you sometimes forgo wearing pants behind that desk?

of course

*  This concludes our interview.

Big thank you to Sido.  I now understand you all are human (somewhat) and consume many free hotdogs.

Please check back this evening for this week’s resolution.

b.

Fit to Print

Okay, let’s get two days of news wrapped up in one post. Because as I’ve said, the stories really don’t change all that much from day-to-day. Here’s what’s fit to print for Friday and Saturday.

News Channel 8 (CBS) at noon kicks off with a commercial for a trip to Paris. With Jeanette Trompeter. Who used to be an anchor on this channel, but who google tells me now lives in Minnesota. I am dying to go to Paris, but I really can’t ever see wanting to go with my local, or former local tv news anchor.

Next up is news of the various shootings that happened this week. I don’t really have anything to add except for my disdain for the onscreen graphic that says, “Ft. Hood Massacre.” It’s not bad enough that this shooting happened, but now we have to sensationalize it by calling it a massacre? The other day, I wrote about using the word “blaze” instead of “fire.” This is another example of using certain words to over dramatize a situation. But in this case we’re talking about a story that’s dramatic enough as it is. And the word “massacre” is just so violent and gory and seems so exploitative. It makes me think of the families of those involved. Will they tell people their loved ones were massacred? No, they won’t. It just seems really gross to me.

Also during this segment, they show a “re-enactment.” It’s a really, really bad 3-d animation. Like, laughably bad. The poor quality of it totally distracts from the seriousness of the story. An army guy walks though a door, kneels and shoots. There is really no reason whatsoever to illustrate this. After that, they tell the story of a young Iowa woman who was there. A person in front of her was shot, she took her jacket off to cover that person, and in the process, was shot in the arm. Rather than focus on all of the same, sensationalized information every day, during every newscast, why not tell more stories like this? Of people who were brave and made a difference.

The missing man is still missing. His family is still searching. I feel  bad for them. They have to know that after a week, this probably won’t end well.

Now to weather, and oh my god, it looks like the meteorologist is at the controls of a space ship. He’s in the pod surrounded by low monitors and buttons. I would not be surprised at all if he launched the weather center in the air and flew away. It’s kind of like what Inara’s pod was to the Serenity ship on Firefly.

Talk of Black Friday. I think KCCI and Xbox have a deal. When talking about shopping deals on the day after Thanksgiving, they show no less than nine shots of the Xbox. Someone’s getting a kickback. Now more weather. And the meteorologist makes and attempt to be funny. He keeps saying “do you have a jar?” and then makes a lame joke about bottling up the weather.

Rent is coming to town for the umpteenth time and this time, members from the original cast are on the tour. b. and I used to love Rent. LOVED IT!! But by the time the movie came out, I wanted to slap all the characters and tell them to quit their bitching, get a damn job and pay your effing rent! Seriously. I do not feel sorry for you. I have to pay rent/mortgage, and you know what? I’d really rather not. But I’m a grown up and I want to live indoors so I do it. I was totally on Benny’s side by then. Plus he’s played by Taye Diggs. Yum. And another thing, the original cast was way too old to be in the movie, let alone still be touring. They’re supposed to be in their early to mid-twenties. There’s no way these dudes aren’t pushing 40.

Finally they tease more of Cynthia of the Dr. Oz crush’s coverage of the Oprah superheroes, where “Gayle King will talk about her friendship with Oprah.” As if she has anything else to talk about other than her friendship with Oprah. Anything anyone would care about, that is.

So, last night on NBC Channel 13 at six, they tell me they have found a body in the Des Moines river near where that man went missing last weekend. They haven’t positively id’d him just yet, but it’s probably him. You want exploitive? They have footage of the man who found the body, a friend of the missing man, walking up to the missing man’s mother. She collapses in his arms and cries convulsively on the ground. Really channel 13? You had to show that? A grieving mother finding out her son is most likely dead? I hate you.

More stabbings, more h1n1. I’m so over the news. I cannot wait to have Jon Stewart back in my life.

Some sort of Republican get-together went on. The only really interesting thing about it is that O. Kay Henderson is the news director of Radio Iowa. I get that some people don’t like their first names and may use an initial. F. Scott Fitzgerald. A. Mark Wilke (a guy I work with.) But if your first initial is O. and your middle name is Kay and you want to be taking seriously, you should probably just go by Kay.

Sports now, and the Hawkeyes have lost and it’s because of the Sports Illustrated jinx. Lots of fans say “this sucks.” Eloquent. The sports guy goes on to say some stuff I don’t understand. Like “advantage sweatervest” when talking about Penn State v. Ohio. He also said someone was snapped like a Slim Jim.

Wow, I’m news’d out.

c.

The not-so-new news.

All has been quiet on the blog front the last couple days. But don’t fret. b. & c. have been newsing it up. Just not necessarily blogging it up. The story of the weekend has been the weather…which is also the story of why I haven’t blogged. Too busy heading out and about in the outdoors.

Anyway, it was interesting reviewing my Thursday and Friday viewing notes and comparing them to the newscast I watched last night. The stories were all the same, but in some cases the information had changed quite a bit. Let’s strap ourselves into the wayback machine and go only a little bit back.

I reconnected with my friend Amanda, one of the twin anchor robots, on ABC5 for the 6:00 news on Thursday. She’s by herself, so I’m not confused as to which generically pretty brunette is talking to me. Top story is that lady from the other day who stabbed her kids. She has plead insanity and there is much talk about how jurors have a hard time buying that. I don’t know about you, but to me, that’s the definition of insanity. They then talk about another upcoming case in which the murderer will plead insanity, plus another lady who killed her kids ten years go who is on trial again. And this, friends, is why I don’t watch the news. These stories are tragic, and I guess they are news, but the constant dissection every night seems excessive. Especially when the info isn’t really changing.

There’s talk of cuts to state jobs, and I am struck by the interiors of the state capitol. It’s pretty. They talk mostly of the prison system. It’s getting crowded, money it tight, and there isn’t enough man-power. While watching the b-roll, I notice that jail cells these days look remarkably like the dorm rooms I have lived in.

Next, a story about a guy who goes to the courthouse to get something notarized. Apparently, upon being asked for an ID, he gets all cagey, and it turns out he’s wanted for credit card fraud. A foot race through downtown ensues. They guy is not caught. I love a good foot race, especially when it’s unplanned. But how crazy is this guy. You can get stuff notarized all over the damn place. Why go to the courthouse? Unless, much like me, he has to force himself to exercise. So maybe he’s crazy like a fox.

That guy who went missing on Saturday night still hasn’t been found. The police are scaling back their search but the family isn’t giving up. I know how this story ends now, but as of Thursday night, they’re still looking. They also talk about Fort Hood, and the information has changed quite a bit from what was known on Thursday.

H1N1 time, and they’re reporting from one of the clinics. This has got to be the worst place to work ever. They show approximately 9 crying babies.

Now for weather, and while I’m excited that the outlook is so warm, beyond that information, I really don’t care. After an awkward segue about attention, we’re onto sports. The country’s top high school basketball recruit is from Ames. He’s making a visit to ISU next week, so they have a chance! And then they list twelve other schools he interested in. They are better than ISU. He’s totally not going there.

Also in sports, the ISU volleyball team! Yay, lady sports! ‘Bout time. This is the first bit of lady sports I’ve seen since this resolution started. They just won a huge match against #2 Texas. It’s great to see that the arena is packed for the game and the students seem just excited as they would for a basketball game. As I’m think that to myself, the coach says explains how excited she is that the spectators rushed the court and she’s pretty sure that has never happened. Well done lady Cyclones and fans!

Back to a weather overview with robot anchor, weather man and news guy all at the desk. As they sign off, it seems as though the camera holds on them a second or two longer than they think it does. They all go from big smiles to big exhale and expressionless faces and we fade to credits. This cracks me up.

So there’s the three-day old news. Two day old news coming soon!

c.

News Amnesia

Last night, I caught the 10 o’clock news. Well, at least I think I did.

I don’t remember much. I do remember Alison Rosati’s hair seemed huger than usual, but that I was happy to be spending time with her again. (missed fox news at 9).

The top story was obviously not something to joke about. The shooting at Fort Hood, devastating. I think maybe this put me in a mood and I disregarded the rest of the show except…

* two Depaul kids (it’s frightening that college students are now “kids” to me) got in trouble for wearing ‘black face’ for Halloween. I’d have to know the full context before deciding whether it’s funny or pathetic. They did not supply me with this information. I’m leaning toward pathetic.

* If you have an apostrophe or hyphen in your name, you’ve lost the power of flight. Next year, some new airport security system will be in effect. Apparently it doesn’t recognize any sort of punctuation…and they don’t seem all that concerned.

* Some anonymous food critic crowned Lou Malnati’s best pizza in Chicago. I remember they opened with some weird scene from My Best Friend’s Wedding. It was like, “hey, remember that scene where Julia Roberts is a famous food critic? Well, um…this is not like that.”

Then, E2 and I watched Drag Me to Hell. Weird night, I feel like someone vacuumed my brain overnight.

Please excuse my boring post…I’ll be sleeping in the corner.

b.

Five ‘o clock boring

WHERE IS THE CRAZY? Seriously. Where is it? I thought it would  be at five. Because really, what is the point of the 5 ‘o clock news if not to investigate Snuggie cults or unicorn farmers or old lady moped gangs? I’m not kidding. I don’t get it. The real news is at 6:00. Most people are leaving work around 5. So what’s the point?

Okay, there was on segment on last night’s five-o that was a little wonky. After reviewing the guy who is still missing, the lady who stabbed her kids and more h1n1 jibber jabber, there’s a feature on a young lady whose favorite actress is Hillary Swank. Her? Really? I guess that verges on crazy. Hills is talented and all, but kind of one note. Doesn’t really seem like the type of actress that would be anyone’s favorite. Anywho, this girl went to the Oprah show when Hills was on for Million Dollar Baby. (She was quite fantastic in that film, but still…favorite actress ever? Boring.) She told a producer or someone that Hillary was her favoritest ever. So recently there was a Opes ep where people were “stepping out of the box” (wow, so original) and doing stuff that scared them. Hillary’s was learning to fly. So they invited Des Moines girl to go with on a flight. Yeah, I really don’t get how all of this is coming together either.

That’s all well and good, but the wonk comes along with the lady anchor, Cynthia. Both of our five ‘o clock hosts were pretty monotone and boring. Until now. So she went to some Kansas City event where all of the Oprah allstars were spreading the cult of Oprah spreading their helpful knowledge. Apparently, throughout the week, Cynthia’s been introducing we, the viewers, to the cult’s middle management team. And now for the big one, Dr. Oz. (Full disclosure, outside of the Mighty O, I have no idea who any of these people are). At this point, Cindy melts into a puddle of amorous goo. She’s totally crushing on Dr. Oz. Cut to their interview, and Cindy’s voice is about a billion times more animated. He talks about healthy stuff and she is all up in it. Cut back to the studio where Cynthia volunteers the information that she’s been taking cod liver oil since she was 21. Ohhhh-kay. Thanks. For that.

Next the dude anchor is all, “And we weren’t even supposed to get an interview!” Cindy mentions that she basically accosted and unsuspecting Oz-man and he agreed to do the interview. And he gave her a “big ol’ bear hug. And it made my day!” Yes, she really said that.

So, I guess I finally got a little bit of fluff. And a bit of crazy, because Dr. Oz seems like a buzzkill. There are way better people to crush on. Like cute Josh Charles, perhaps.

Yeah, that’s better.

c.

Fox has been postponed. Hello CBS.

Sometimes I forget CBS exists.

That said, the news team is very much alive.

It was another slow night of news so I’ll just summarize quickly.

The babystroller story from last night is still under investigation. It’s either a lying mom or a lying train operator. or both. I vote for that one.  Liars run rampant when it comes to news stories.

Next up was a confusing story about guns and cops and bribes.  I couldn’t concentrate as the main witness was wearing a shiny jacket and a boobload of cleavage.

We then took a trip back to that Halloween murder I mentioned yesterday.  It actually is pretty scary because it’s a nice neighborhood.  Not one of those that you see and say, “of course someone got shot there.” I know it’s insensitive, but you totally feel me. So they interviewed the murder victim’s BFF.  He isn’t mad at the killas.  He feels sorry for them and hopes they find help.  Okay, Dexter…we’ll see about that.

“Can you give H1N1 to your pets?” This caused us to laugh a little.  Apparently some cat in Iowa was tired and had breathing issues. While I feel sorry for the cat, I’m tired and have breathing issues, too.  Does that mean I gots the H1N1?

So here’s the perverted crack of the day: People in North Carolina are pitching tents to battle H1N1.  Good luck with that.

Moving on…what if you were driving along in a truck…in a tornado…and got hit with a steeple? Like, a full on pointy churchy steeple? Sounds like a scene out of Witchboard if you ask me.  This dude thinks it’s a blessing.  He’s also in a full body cast and can barely fart.

Around this time, Katie Couric and her Oliver! inspired orphan boy haircut popped in to ask us nicely to watch her news.  I replied, “not tonight, Katie…I’ve got Manwich to eat.”

So then we get to the good stuff, sports!  This sports guy is full of life and mouthy puns! I like! We quickly move on to a field reporter. I will start by turning your attention to this:

"I feel pretty!"

This lucky lady gets to talk about a new high-fangled mouthguard called Pure Power! And believe you me, it lives up to its name.  Just look at the pen test!

This is completely ridic…but you’re totally gonna want to try it.  Stand straight up, put your arms out, and turn as far as you can in one direction. Then do the same thing, but put a pen in your mouth and bite down.  Guaranteed you’ll be able to turn further.  Weird. So according to crazy sweater lady, this mouthguard enables you to feel like “superwoman”.  Though I’m not sure how this helps the dude selling mouthguards for $2,000. I’m totally going to incorporate the pen-bite method into my daily routine.

I must say, I was a little weirded out by the complete abscence of small talk on this network.  My guess is that the co-anchors are banging.  It’s the only explanation.

phew. time to get back to work.

b.

PS. Fox News tomorrow, I promise.

Insert naughty joke here

Where to start…first, by thanking b. for throwing a little Sports Night in her last post. It’s tens of rabid fans appreciate it. I so wish Dan Rydell and Casey McCall were real. 1. Because I love alliteration so those are fun names to say. Say ‘em out loud. Dan Rydell. Casey McCall. 2. I would watch a sports show if they were on it, and therefore e1 and I might actually see each other on Sundays. and 3. Josh Charles, why are you so cute? (well said b.!)

So, b. and e2 came across a Dick Johnson. Very nice. But how about a little Patrick Dix. Shorten that one up. I’ll wait…

I KNOW! You know it’s funny, don’t judge. b. and I had quite a dialog going on about this. We discussed just posting our whole chat, but then everyone would be blown away by our extreme intelligence and we just don’t want to intimidate you. Anyway, the phrase “penis anchors for all” was used. b. replied by mentioning it’d just be another crazy word that’ll show up in our searches terms everyday. So I put together a rundown. Boobs, balls, penises, smurfs and the boxcar children. Sadly, this is not a joke. People get here in strange ways.

So, back to Pat. They do actually call him Pat sometimes, but not usually with his last name. Anyway, Pat seems like an affable guy. I guess you have to be with that name. He isn’t all robot-y like last night’s anchor twins. Despite all that, had it not been for the notes I took, I would literally remember nothing about this news cast. Much like b.’s news experience today, mine was very yawny.

I tuned in for Tuesday’s noon news on NBC Channel 13. First of all, it was in HD. And I approve. I’m an HD snob so watching channel 5 last night was a struggle. (I have tweeted them on occasion to complain about Lost being aired in SD when it’s preempted for college basketball. Yes, that’s right. HD nerd. Lost geek. Twitter dweeb. And the willingness to combine all of those to complain. All this wrapped into one awesome package) They start with a story about city elections. Ugh. I know I should care, but I don’t. And apparently nobody else does either. They’re expecting a whopping 12% turnout. Then they talked about governor’s races across the country and it’s not in HD which makes me sad.

Now Megan the meteorologist is at the Science Center doing the weather. I’m not sure why. Maybe they always do the noon weather there? Maybe she had some questions about high pressure systems and needed them answered? I kid, I like Megan, she seems like a personable lady. She gives us a quick rundown while standing in front of a weird map. Pat’s back to talk about the missing man I learned about yesterday. Alas, he has not been found and there are no camo wellies this time around. Also, traffic deaths are down. Yippee!

So did you know there’s a girl named Rebecca Mayer, from here in the Moines who is on the Biggest Loser? I did not know this. So I’m totally learning something! She’s lost 57 pounds and she and her pals in televised weight loss are headed to Washington for some working out. And now my aside about Gillian. I hate her! Okay, I don’t really. I don’t know her and I’ve never seen the show. But I’ve done her 30 Day Shred. And that makes me hate her. You wanna get a good workout fast? Do the shred. And you too will want to wring her neck despite the fact that she can kick your ass.

National story about how kids are stressed. Boo hoo. More weather. More yaddah, yaddah. I find myself concentrating more on the commercials. For example, Elizabeth Moss is guesting on some doctor show I don’t watch. My love for Peggy Olson makes me want to check it out. Also, I adore Flo the Progressive Insurance lady. She’s kicky and fun.

So now we have our third reference to weather and it seems they mean it this time. It starts with Megan standing in front of an odd photo of a kid holding a bug. The juxtaposition of the two is strange. And then they key her over the weather map and it is not working. (For those who don’t know, “keying” means replacing the green screen she’s standing in front of with the map that you actually see.) I keyed a dude to make him look like he was climbing a pole the to other day. It’s the most embarrassing effect I’ve ever concocted and it still looked better. Perhaps it’s the science center setup? She’s all angular and wonky. Channel 5’s weather graphics are cooler. As Pat throws to commercial he mentions we should come back for more nude news. Really, Pat? I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that. We don’t know each other very well. Oh, the noon news. Okay. But it really sounded like nude.

Last there’s a story about communication/social media. They have been teasing this story for. Ever.  Like weeks. The basic premise is that there are a billion ways to communicate now days. Facebook, twitter, blogs, email. But is the communication as good? It’s a pretty boring and common sense story. I mean email is not a new form of communication. The only insight I got was that there are teenagers who send 100 text message a day. One hundred. In a day. What the hell do they possibly have to say? They’re teenagers. They’re really not that interesting. The last guy they interviewed was a bit amusing. An ISU professor of some kind. He’s not at all pleased with these developments. For the most part, he just seems kinda bummed out. Though he does make the excellent point that so many communication mediums distract us from the people we’re actually with. And I could not agree more. I know a few people who have their noses in their phones the entire time I’m with them and I find it terribly rude. Plus my already fragile self confidence just can’t take it.

Time for commercial and then Pat’s back and says, “The news at noon starts now.” Um, okay. That’s strange. It’s 12:30, I thought I just watched the Nude News at Noon. Turns out it did. They just restarted it. Without actually ever ending it.

So, I kinda like the channel 13 crew. I listen to the morning team while I get ready for work. Pat’s on it sometimes as is Megan the meteorologist along with Brooke who always has cute hair. They’re a little lighter in the morning, and the banter doesn’t seem as awkward. And there’s a somewhat amusing bickering brother and sister vibe (or is it awkward sexual tension?) between Jeri Anne the meteorologist and the game-show host looking traffic reporter.

The communication story reminded me of the kind of stories I often had to do while at my second news station. This was an internship in that it wasn’t a permanent job, but it was for six months and it was full-time. I worked Monday, Thursday and Friday from 3am-1pm. And Saturdays and Sundays usually 10am – to whenever. And whenever usually ended up being late because there was always a fire on Sunday nights. Always. Grain bins, small town restaurants, you name it. These blazes (don’t you love how they’re rarely fires. BLAZE is so much more dramatic) couldn’t have happen in the morning, or the next day? I’ve gotta work until 10pm and then turn around and get up again around 2am? I ended up fulfilling about three months of my tenure. That’s when I found the job I’m at now.

So, the stories. I was sent out on a lot of common sense stories. The dumbest one was Valentine’s Day. “Hey, why don’t you head to a couple of flower shops and talk to people about Valentine’s day.” Really? I can tell you that a lot of people are probably buying roses. And that most of them are probably dudes. I’ll also go out on a limb and say the shops are kinda busy. I’d even wager that there’s a few mylar balloons and cheesy white teddy bears in some poor woman’s future. Is this news? No. No it is not.

But I did learn a few things today. Though I’m still rather disappointed that I’m not seeing the crazy fluff. Is this more weekend type of stuff? Are there still five ‘o clock newscasts? Maybe I should find one of those.

c.

6 o’clock news – ABC style.

Come back, Alison! I miss you!

I feel like I’ve just been scolded for the past 30 minutes. Kathy Brock and her cronies do not chuckle, or wink, or even wear poofy hairstyles that exude friendliness. No, these folks are all bizness…which incidentally makes bizness seem a lot more blah.

Once again, gotta start with the sad stuff. A baby stroller fell onto the train tracks. The baby was fine, but no one knows how it happened. They did, however, interview a rambling beefy dude who just wanted to be on TV. Next, politics. blah. Then, budget cuts. mega-blah. Followed by some deaths overseas. This newscast was off to a solemn start.

But then, suddenly the screen filled with Christmas! and Macy’s! and tubby people shopping at Macy’s! It never fails, if there is one unattractive person around, said person will end up making it on television. I welcomed this mood shift. For approximately two seconds. Cuz then the jolly store manager mentioned the word “disastrous” and economy talk began. It was like a giant “psych!” from the news team. It was a downer in an upper’s clothing. After roughly 10 more minutes of budget cut funness, they cut to a huge sandwich and let us know we’d find out more after the break. But I need to know about the sandwich NOW!

“When was the last time you cared about someone eating large food?” E2 mumbled while slurping my fabulous tortilla soup.

I can’t say I wasn’t disappointed when they returned and said it was unofficially the largest BLT ever. I’m unofficially the first woman to eat Manwich three days in a row by choice, big deal. It wasn’t even in Chicago. This 200 foot beauty lived in PA. Who cares.

Next up, sleepy Jerry Taft murmured weather stuff in our direction. I’m wondering if he listens to recordings of his own voice when trying to go to sleep…because I swear he started snoring by the end of the extended forecast.

Then it was sports time and even Mr. Sports was lacking emotion. I don’t think this guy would even be capable of a high five, let alone being ‘pumped’ like Dan and Casey. (Me and C.’s all-time favorite sportscasters, ofSports Night non-fame:

Seriously, Josh Charles. Why are you so cute?

So tonight’s experience was sadness, blah and I-don’t-care all lumped together. I’m hoping Fox gives me something good tomorrow. (don’t laugh).

b.

10 at 10!!! (for 30)

I have a love/hate relationship with local news. And I’d say it definitely leans more toward the hate side. Here’s the background. I used to want to be a news reporter. Yeah, I know. Doesn’t seem very me. What with the fear of people, not liking to approach anyone and the general dislike of carrying heavy stuff, it really doesn’t seem like a good match. Why is this something I wanted to be? Because I’m a huge nerd and I love research. Love. It. When we decide to make a big purchase or go on vacation, or even during b.’s wedding planning, I relish getting on the internets and searching for things or finding information. I’ll make spreadsheets, tote file folders, you name it. I geek research. Finding the best deal, the best quality, the best place to get it and the best route to get there, etc. So basically, I wanted to be a 60 Minutes, or Dateline style reporter. Where you work for weeks or months on one thing.

After doing a couple of internships at news stations, I quickly realized that no, no I do not want to be in the news business. First, the talking to people thing. And second, the experiences I had in the short amount of time I worked at these two stations were not all that pleasant. For very different reasons. And I have not watched local news since. That was about 12 or 13 years ago. Throughout the week I’ll fill you in on many of those stories. But first, neither of these to stations are in the market that I will  be watching this week. Just wanna get that out there. And my experiences at these stations are not indicative how all station are. So, onward…

Last night I chose to watch ABC5 News 10AT 10!!! Tivo was taping “Castle,” (Also a love/hate relationship. Hate procedurals, adore Nathan Fillion) which led directly into the news. Now, in the interest of transparency, I have to say, I do hold a bit of a grudge against Channel 5. My spots always look like shit when they’re broadcast this channel. The audio sounds like it was recorded in a tin can covered by a blanket and the picture is usual pretty soft. A lotto spot posted in HD should not look like this. Even if it is downconverted. And here’s another area of love/hate I have with local news. Since I work in the video world, I notice every little thing. And a lot of it drives me crazy. But I can also sympathize with a lot of the issues they’re dealing with. More on that soon, but first….

(haha. See what I did there. I’m hilarious.)

So, Channel 5’s thing is 10 at 10! They will repeat this ad nauseum. I’m assuming it means they’re gonna give you all the most important news in the first ten minutes, though they repeat the 10 at 10! mantra throughout the broadcast, well beyond the first ten minutes. First up, a guy who has been missing since Halloween. Very newsworthy. And how do I know this? Because there’s a VERY IMPORTANT STORY GRAPHIC with loud important sounding music on right before it. Which is good, because otherwise I wouldn’t have figured out that it was important, even though it’s the first story. Also, I can tell the graphic runs from tape because there were at least 3 dropouts on said tape.  So, people have been looking all over for this guy and they’re worried.

Let’s talk about b-roll…

B-roll is the footage that is shown over voice over, basically the footage you’re seeing when you’re not seeing an anchor or reporter. This is where I sympathize with the news shooters and editors. Unless local freelance shooter extraordinaire, Paul Hickey, is shooting, there is never enough b-roll. So when they focus on a man’s camo wellies while talking about the missing man, I’m slightly annoyed, because, why? But I get it. The guy’s missing. You can only show people looking for him for so long. Then you just have to start showing random shit.

Now there’s another crazy important graphic telling me another important story is coming up. CRIME BEAT! And Whitney. I’m either getting really old or Whitney is sixteen. Let’s split the difference and say she’s 20 and I’m no spring chicken. So there was a bank robbery and blah, blah, blah I don’t care. But she is reporting from the “satellite center.” Um, okay. There are 8 teeny tiny analog monitors behind you right now. I’m guessing this isn’t a satellite center. Granted, things have changed a ton since I’ve been in a news room, but at the second of my two news jobs, the satellite feeds came down in a tiny room with a couple big machines in them. And then in a random corner there was a monitor wall with six monitors that basically did nothing except for serve as a backdrop for the newsroom reporter. I have never been inside ABC5, so maybe this is a satellite center. But to me it seems more like “satellite center = high tech!” these monitors are from 1985, but if we call them the satellite center it’ll seem hi-tech.

Next up, trailer park murder! Now we’re talkin’! And another story about a lady stabbing her sons. Whoa! I don’t need to hear about that. Yikes. And now the Iowa Film saga. This is the first instance of aggressive ennunciator. Very annoying. When you watch experienced anchors and reporters, they never speak like this. Except for that Stone Phillips guy. He was the king of that. He’s also no longer working, is he? Anyway, for some reason it seems like something new reporters always do. They speak to the deafest person in the room.

Chet is a wierd name.

Anywho, the governor talks.  If you’re not from Iowa, you may not  know that our governor looks like a cartoon character. A cross between Buzz Lightyear and Mr. Incredible. Also, I just noticed that I like the anchor’s purple jacket. Now weather, which actually has some pretty sweet graphics.

Commercial break, and oh my god, apparently we’re still in the first ten minutes. 10 at 10!!! It’s actually 10:16. Now we’re talking about Terry Branstadt, who as a kid I thought might be some kind of dictator of Iowa. He was the governor for my entire childhood. He’s talking about running for governor again. I can’t concentrate on the message of this story because I’m completely distracted by his forehead. I think he’s had some work done. It’s huge. He’s also wearing a Madonna mic and his moves really aren’t good enough to justify that.

Okay, I’m just now noticing that there are two anchors. They look exactly the same. I suddenly wondered where the cool purple jacket went and then realized, oops! There are two to them. Tell me Rachel and Amanda don’t look alike. They totally do. I kinda feeling like I’m watching that segment on Colbert where he debates against himself.

Insert obligatory H1n1 story…though it’s actually positive. Cases are going down at ISU. Downtown buses now have alarms on them after hitting SEVEN PEOPLE recently. And now more weather. The first round of weather was plenty, quite frankly. What do I really want to know? What’s the temp for today, tomorrow, and the next couple days and will it rain. I don’t care about barometric pressure or what causes the temperature to be what it is. Or how rain happens. Is rain coming? Yes, today, in fact. Good. That’s all I need to know.

Time for sports and the best thing that happen in the newscast. A graphic that said: Humans not impressed. Do you love it? Humans not impressed. As opposed to robots or pets not being impressed? Actually, the story was about U of I’s football ranking. The humans are not impressed with how the computer ranked the team. Also, this entire sports segment is out of sync. The audio is lagging and it’s super distracting. This human is not impressed by this sports segment. Especially once I see that Great Clips is sponsoring the Clip of the Day segment. Since when is there a sponsored segment in the news? Is this new? Also the sportscaster is 12 and he and his friends need to get off my lawn.

One more weather segment and they end with some awkward weather banter. All in all, not bad. Where are the ridiculous human interest stories? Most of this stuff was actual news. I want to see Ned Reyerson’s snuggie story or crazy cat videos. Is that just for the Today show? There’s always tomorrow…and the rest of the week.

c.

I’m not singin’ and dancin’…

but I’m also not raging mad. 30 minutes goes surprisingly fast when you’re feeding your trap at the same time.

E2 and I caught the 6 o’clock news on NBC.  As we sat in front of the tube behind our tv trays, I felt a weird nostalgia creep in…only instead of Paula Sands (pretty paula!), it was Alison Rosati.  C. and I adored Paula Sands, she was like a real celebrity to us. She was my first girl crush, for sure. Her and Miss Peggy over at Romper Room. When we tap, tap, tapped in floozy costumes at the Mississippi Valley Fair, a flurry of excited gasps erupted when we heard Paula would be hosting the contest.

Okay, back to current news. Tonight’s show started off with a murderous bang, just as I suspected it would. A promising young student got shot over the weekend at a Halloween party.  Newsworthy? I suppose.  But much like most SNL skits these days, they just don’t know when to stop.  Starts out respectable, might even cause an arch of the eyebrow…and then there’s a lull…and the asinine questions start a-flowing.  ”Did he have a lot of other plans and parties to go to that night?”  I’m sorry, Alison…whether or not the guy had a whole datebook full of events to attend does not matter to me today, but thanks anyway.

Next, we saw a bunch of people getting pricked in the nose for H1N1.  I have a feeling this story is to the local news as Jon and Kate are to celebrity news.  Every night, same thing, nothing new to report. E2, however, did have something to report.  As we both shoveled in bites of salmon, he said flatly, “Dick Johnson.”  And I laughed like an eight year old.  Correspondent Dick Johnson was also wearing a bright yellow tie, which we thought suited him well.

There were a few more interesting(ish) stories followed by gallons of small talk.  This got me thinking. Being a newscaster would be my worst nightmare.  It’s like that constant awkward small talk at gatherings except a. neither party is drunk b. they can’t pretend to get a call and walk away quickly and c. IT’S ON CAMERA.  I sometimes wonder if they know that.

So then a man named Darryl talked to me about sports.  He talked to me like I’m six. and super dumb. But soon, Alison and crew were back, telling me about Chicago’s new area code. We now have to dial eleven numbers, even if it’s local…ELEVEN! Previous to this evening, we hadn’t heard a thing about it. Apparently, it starts next week. So when everyone starts flipping out and calling their phone companies,  I will be toasting my new friend Alison…and screening any calls that actually do get through.

So day one, not awful.  Did I learn much? No. Did any brain cells suffer? Let’s just say I’ll drink one less beer this weekend to make up for it.

b.